I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to store the memory within and as me of when I was around 7 or 8 years old, and
I thought/believed/perceived that my friend Leigh was superior to me because I
judged the way in which she spelled her name L-E-I-G-H as more than the way in
which I spelled my middle name L-E-E – wherein I viewed the way in which Leigh’s
name was spelled as ‘fancier’ and ‘better’ especially because it had more letters
as well as a ‘g’ which I saw as elegant and graceful in comparison to my name
which I saw as short, hard and blunt.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to specifically
hone-in on the ‘g’ in Leigh as the letter which signified elegance and grace as
it, when written, curls below the line, especially when written in cursive –
and thus, within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to
question why my parents didn’t spell my name in this way, as if they had
somehow deprived me, spited me, or were not ‘hip’ because they spelling my name
L-E-E, which I saw as boring and dull in comparison to L-E-I-G-H.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to
let this judgment of Leigh’s name impact the way in which I physical viewed her
– as I, through the perception I held of her name, saw her as elegant/graceful,
and especially used this perception I had of her in comparison to myself, as I
viewed myself as clumsy, more masculine and rough in my expression – thus within
this I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize how
limited and non-existent my interaction and participation with Leigh was, as I
was never actually here with Leigh as who she really was, nor did I share myself
with Leigh as who I really was, but only participated with her as a character,
wherein when I was in her presence I viewed her as The Graceful Character and
me as The Clumsy Character and thus subsequently acted out this role within and
as myself down to the very way in which I moved my physical body where my
movements were accentuated as clumsy and rough as I held this inferiority in comparison
in place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to file a memory within and as me of when I was around 7 or 8 years old and
Leigh and I were divided into the same group in gym class and Leigh started
talking about how she was moving to Florida, which in that moment triggered a
memory of overhearing my mom and dad talking, where my dad mentioned that we
might have to move because of his work, and even though I knew that he was only
stating this as a reactive side-not as the worst-case-scenario, I in that moment latched onto and used this
memory to compete with Leigh, telling her that we were moving too, so that I
could feel special and get people’s attention as well, using this as a way to
get attention away from Leigh and thus to assess who would react in sadness
that I would be moving away too – within this I forgive myself that I accepted
and allowed myself to hold onto this story for quite some time even after Leigh
moved away, hoping that it would come true the more I spoke about it, trying so
hard to make it real for myself, not seeing/realizing/understanding how I made
up this story because I desperately hoped that it would come true so that I
could run away from the stage that the Lindsay Lee Craver Character was on, as
how I experienced myself in this role I created for myself, wherein I experienced
myself already at this age as stuck, trapped, stifled, and uncomfortable within
myself and around others, yet did not understand myself and how to express
this, so would make up stories within my mind that I would tell others so that
I could feel better about who I was, so that I could feel more than, so that I
could get attention because I had no clue how to give attention to myself in any
sort of caring manner that would support me to be intimate with myself, because
I was born into a world of zombies who had no understanding of how to live, how
to actually care in any sort of practical way, as can clearly be seen in the
world in which we exist in today, where care that is real is virtually
non-existent – and instead we only see one another for what we can potentially
get out of them, to try to fulfill our selfish desires so that we can keep
creating the experience that we’ve evolving when really we’re just zombies, already
dead: no movement, no life.
I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself
to realize that the way I was experiencing myself was no different from the way
anyone around me was experiencing themselves, even Leigh, but because I was
born into a world of secrets, I kept what was happening within me a secret, as
well.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to
resent Leigh for moving away, as I saw this as another thing that Leigh got
that I didn’t – she got the name, she got the grace, she got to leave this
place behind – and I experienced myself as stuck, with the same people that I
didn’t necessarily like, because I didn’t necessarily like myself, and
wanted/desired to find a way to make myself as the Lindsay Lee Craver Character
go away – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it didn’t matter where I
would go, what town I may someday move to, I would always be here with myself,
because I created myself, I built my character through my own acceptances and
allowances – and thus I forgive myself that because I didn’t realize this
point, I thus then instead constantly and continuously throughout my life would
go looking for ways to get away, change things, become new, re-invent myself,
build a new character, as if it would solve the gaping hole I experienced within
myself, which no one and nothing could fill for me, because it was me that was
missing out of that hole, because I lost myself along the way while searching
for something more, separating myself from the (w)hole.
Self-Corrective/Self-Commitment Statements to follow...
Heaven's Journey to Life -
Interview by Bernard Poolman - Changing the Character of the World
Creation’s
Journey to Life -
Earth’s Journey to Life – Day 51: Moving through my characters
My Journey to Life -
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