This post
is a continuation from:
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I am at
a point of change wherein a decision is required to be made, instead of slowing
myself down to consider all potential play-outs, ensuring that I am placing
myself in a position that is best for everyone involved, thus ensuring that I
am caring for myself and all those involved as myself – instead rush through
the decision making process so as to get to the final experience as an
energetic feeling of gratification and apparent ‘results’ from my decision –
thus refusing to face the fact that with each haphazard decision made, I was
never actually satisfied in any way, which was precisely why I would then rush
to the next point, the next decision, as a way in which I believed I could
somehow redeem myself from the previous fuck-up, manipulating myself into
believing: this time it will work out.
This is it. Yeah, this feels like the way to go. It has never felt more right
than it does now. I’ve got it this time. THIS is the real deal. It’s all coming
together, how brilliant, and so on – thus clearly showing how not a single
decision I have ever made was a decision made in self-honest clarity, as the
self-directive principle, but was only ever a decision decided through FEAR as self-manipulation
where energetic reactions as emotions and feelings were the directive principle,
within which I would try/attempt to buffer myself from the REAL experience of
myself which was that of absolute fear and petrification, wherein I feared that
if I slowed down for even a moment I might just lose the apparent control that
I had; the apparent control I had to make it seem as though I had everything
figured out, that I had all the pieces together, while internally I was a
complete anxious mess, falling to pieces, not at all trusting myself because I
had no clue nor had I ever even considered getting to really know myself, but
only considered how best I could hide from myself, escape from myself, and thus
made decisions that would keep this self-dishonesty intact, because if I would
have done otherwise, I would have had to face the facts of what I was accepting
and allowing, and I just couldn’t bear that, so I kept moving, kept planning
and daydreaming for the day when everything would work out, when enlightenment
would finally come and knock on my door to take the pain away and piece the
pieces of myself back together again so that I could finally be at peace with
myself…but the day never came, the kings horses and the kings men couldn’t put the
pieces back together again, and thus the fear only grew, and grew, and grew and
I forgive myself that I kept running, rushing, ripping and roaring through each
breath like a rapid animal frothing at the mouth - possessed by fear, dis-eased
internally, yet externally I would smile and nod, speak of love and the divine,
sit cross-legged in meditation for long hours, prostrate to the Buddha, sing
praises to Jesus – projecting stability and clarity, while inside I was
screaming: PLEASE SAVE ME BUDDHA, SAVE ME JESUS, SOMEONE, ANYONE SAVE ME FROM
THIS HELL! I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO
ME!
I
forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see the equal and one
correlation between the mess existent within myself and the mess existent
within this world.
I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to
see/realize/understand that each decision that I have made in my life was made
within the attempt to cover up the previous decision, as the failure that I had
experience within/as myself – and thus would rush into the next decision as fast
as humanly possible just so I would never have to face the disappointment and
sorrow for not ‘getting it right’ – which I realize was indeed why each new
decision would accumulate on itself from the previous decisions wherein the
next decision I would have to make even more elaborate and seemingly profound,
as if this new decision would be THE decision; THE decision that would change
everything forevermore – thus refusing to face the fact that not a single
decision, no matter how profound and potentially enlightened, ever changed
anything in a way that made an actual impact on myself or this world, but only
ever reinforced the same preprogramming, conditioning, brainwashing and
manipulation techniques that I had been employing since I first learned how to
manipulate with/through my parents when I was a child.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see how,
the way in which I have made decisions within/throughout my life and living
were essentially based on the characteristics of a drug addict and/or pathological liar –
wherein each new decision was like another dose of a drug, or another convoluted
lie to cover up the previous intricate lie, wherein the next dose/lie had to be
even BIGGER, even more ELABORATE, even more of a RUSH so as to really get
myself worked up and thus properly convinced that this was IT, that this was going
to be THE ONE decision that would figure everything out, that this one was going
to get me the HIGHEST of them all - that this would provide me with that
absolute RUSH of BEING ALIVE and having everything fall into place – thus not
seeing/realizing/understanding that, although things were certainly ‘falling
into place’ the ‘place’ within which things were ‘falling’ was the pit of FEAR,
as I rushed head-first into my own self-destruction, again – completely forgetting
that I had been here before; that this was where I always ENDED up, because
this is where ALL self-dishonest decisions eventually lead: self-annihilation.
To be
continued…
For further support:
Creation’s
Journey to Life -
Heaven's Journey to Life -
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