Here I am investigating with more detail some of the
points I expressed in the post - Day
138: You Deserve to Rest as I have walked specifically the point of writing
in my last few posts:
In this post I will be looking at a particular section
that I wrote on Day 138:
And it’s fascinating the layers within this,
because I saw how I was doing all of this, but instead of directing it in a
self-honest, practical manner where I actually cared for myself to clear the
separation and bring everything back to myself, I instead created the ‘I know’
Character – which is definitely a character that is quite prominent for me and
I will surely be writing out in the posts to come – wherein, I KNEW what I was
doing, apparently, but yet I kept doing it: every day I allowed the
same/similar backchat, the same/similar reactions, the same/similar
self-judgment, the same/similar excuses and justifications and I KNEW that it
was all bullshit, and it was because I KNEW it ALL that I allowed it to
continue because the knowing was standing in my way of simply cutting direct to
the point and stopping the pattern/cycle/loop as a decision that I make in a
moment and then immediately live as an absolute stance of self-forgiveness.
LOL – just a brief interlude before I go into this point,
although this is right on topic, so will actually serve as a practical example of
the I Know Character - because I just went to grab my coffee that I was busy
brewing, and as the coffee machine was steaming and hissing I decided to lift
the top of the machine just to ensure that all the water was done filtering
through, even though I could see with my EYES that it was, and indeed my finger
got a bit burned for a moment from the steam as I lifted the hissing top – and as
I pulled my hand back in pain, I shouted: FUCK! I KNEW that was going to
happen!
This is a perfect example of how knowledge is absolutely
useless when not put into practical, commonsensical application. I mean, just
as I stated in the paragraph above, I KNEW what I was doing, yet I did it
anyway – I KNOW that hot, hissing, steaming coffee machines have the ability to
burn the body yet I did it anyway simply because I wasn’t HERE, breathing – but
was in my mind, actually in a state of fear.
When I slow down the moment there was an entire play-out
I had within myself prior to this moment, which was that I saw a few drips come
out of the machine as I walked up to it, then I saw the drips stop, of which I
then experienced fear as a THOUGHT as a picture image arose within me, within
my ‘mind’s eye’ of the machine continuing to drip after I pulled my cup from
the machine and after I walk away it then creating this entire wet mess that I’d
have to clean up – so, instead of simply waiting for ALL the dripping to stop and
to be sure that the machine is done brewing as a point of cross referencing my
reality in a stable, self-responsible manner - I wanted to take the apparent ‘short
cut’ and just lift the top to see if there was any more water left without
stopping to consider the entire context in relation to all the specific dynamics
at play in this physical reality.
I see there are a few characters going on here, the
Impatient Character definitely being one of them, but the character I am
looking at here is the I Know Character – because me stating as an automated
reaction: FUCK! I KNEW that was going to happen! – again, when I slow it down, gives
me a clear picture of the I Know Character one steps into as a defense/coping
mechanism, as I immediately stated: I KNEW that was going to happen,
because I actually in that moment felt quite stupid, lol – like: ‘duh! Any
idiot could see that you don’t lift a steaming, hissing, HOT coffee machine
lid!’
Which was definitely a cool point of support in: WAKE UP
AND SMELL THE COFFEE – YOU ARE IN YOUR MIND!
And thus, this moment was an awesome seemingly menial
moment supporting me to see directly the manifestation of the I Know Character
in both the ‘small’ and the ‘big’, because when I take a look at the I Know
Character, across the board, it is ALWAYS stepped into as a defense/coping
mechanism to protect a moment of fear as inFEARiority and thus instead project
a stance of superiority – like: oh yeah, I totally
knew that!
And the consequences of participating in this character
can indeed be quite extensive – far beyond a momentary burning of one’s finger,
but a burning of one’s entire life away within a fiery self-created hell of one’s
mind, trapped in looping memories as stored knowledge and information that one has specifically set up so as to not
face the reality of oneself or this world as oneself.
I especially saw this at the farm when I would see myself
in a mind-moment, or when I was in a mind-moment and it was pointed out to me
by someone else and I’d state: yeah, I
know – or – I knew I was doing that,
but… - or – while the person is expressing to me the point they are seeing,
I’ll actually interrupt them mid-sentence with: I know, as an automated point of trying/attempting to make sure
that they know that I know that I knew what I was doing in that
moment, lol. As if that was valid and acceptable.
And just like I stated in the paragraph from Day 138, I
KNEW what I was doing with the excuses/justifications/reactions/judgments I was
participating in, specifically in relation to writing, while I was in California
– I KNEW it ALL, and that was precisely the problem, as it’s actually the
knowing that deters me from seeing what I am participating in DIRECTLY in a
humble and self-honest manner to immediately correct myself in a single moment
of self-forgiveness lived.
Instead, through stepping into the I Know Character, I am
postponing immediate self-correction to try to protect and preserve the
narrative of the characters that I have created as an entire delusional story within
myself, that I have written into my very flesh, set up specifically and
deliberately to continuously keep repeating LInES to me from the storybooks of my
internal LIEbrary, dictating to me that I’ve got it all figured out – that I am
aware – yet knowing is a FAR CRY from being aware, because knowing is merely
based on knowledge as a memory one has integrated into one’s being to use in
specific moments as a manipulation/diversion tactic to ensure that one never
actually is really aware of oneself in fact, but only creates an experience of
apparent awareness so as to evade self-responsibility for one’s actions and
thus never get to the actual self-correction because one deliberately stalls
oneself at the point of knowledge within the pompous stance of: I KNOW what I’m
doing, and that makes it OKAY!
For further context and specific support,
definitely read Creation’s Journey to Life - Day
141: Narrative and True Activism
In the posts to come I will write out in more detail the necessary,
specific self-forgiveness in relation to the I Know Character along with the
self-correction within self-commitment statements.
Stay tuned...
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I shouted: FUCK! I KNEW that was going to happen!- lol - Very interesting self observations. Thanks - assists with seeing these points within me.
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