I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint and integrate into my physical flesh a fuzzy memory of when I was a child playing on our side porch and saw a science experiment my brother was working on that he had left out, wherein he was putting together this kit with these electric wires hooked into a box and I stood there staring at it, perplexed; and in order to make sense of or even justify this confusion I was experiencing in relation to this seemingly mysterious object before me, and not understanding what my brother was doing with it, I decided that all things scientific were ‘boy things’ and essentially not relevant for me to understand – because, in my world and reality, I had already begun to be slowly but surely saturated and imprinted with the idea/believe/perception which was impulsed by my education, family, friends, the media and society as a whole that things such as science and math are more for males to explore than females (although interestingly enough I did not experience this point nearly as much with math).
In relation to this gender role point, the fascinating thing to note here for myself is that, when I investigate my childhood and my relationship to gender throughout these developing years I see that it was a situation where I essentially would ‘pick my own battles’ when it came to gender – in that, I almost triumphantly identified myself as being more of a ‘tomboy’ when it came to getting dirty, climbing trees, fighting and being ‘tough’, shooting b-b guns, riding the 4-wheeler around, playing with boy kind of toys, and generally dressing more like a boy – herein defying my femininity and this feminine role that I was expected to ‘blossom’ into; but when it came to science and developing mechanical, logistical and problem-solving kinds of skills for myself to understand this world, I would fold into this preordained female position without hesitation, essentially flopping over with my overturned hand to my forehead like a damsel in distress, lol – and thus:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seemingly conveniently utilize this gender stereotyping within a fixed mindset as a learned helplessness that ‘I am just a little ol’ girl’ and thus cannot understand these types of things, which thus then excluded any sort of self-correction in that moment of me simply asking either my brother or my parents to explain to me what this weird-looking science kit was all about because I had already made the decision that ‘this is too hard to understand’ within my mind.
In additional to this, I commit myself to show that this ‘change’ that is relatively recently happening in this world with women starting to debunk these long-held gender misconceptions in regards to math and science through going into careers and being exceptionally successful in these fields as well as performing equal to males on science and math performance tests, is not a real change – because, what must be understood here is the starting point, as what is also being seen is that women are trying/attempting to ‘wear the pants’ in their relationship with math and science as well as business as a way to masculinize themselves to fit into what is still being seen as ‘a man’s world’ - so women have a tendency to take this newfound self-definition of being ‘up to par’ with men in such fields as science and math and twisting it to their own self-interest of wanting/desiring to prove themselves worthy, to rectify this learned helplessness, and thus assert dominance, just as males have done.
Therefore showing that no real correction of the point is coming through as a living expression of equality and oneness in fact, but just characters switching roles playing another part in this play on life, wherein real life has yet to come forth because we’re still attempting to BE SOMETHING – something that can only exist in our mind, in total separation from reality.
For myself, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to just slip into that self-definition of science being difficult for me, especially in terms of the belief that because I didn’t accept nor allow myself to understand it while I was growing up, in grade school and such, and thus since I haven’t essentially ‘trained’ myself in science throughout my life, it will be more arduous to learn now – I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to entertain these lies – I realize these lies, I see these lies as they are with real-eyes, and thus see clearly that I am capable of teaching and educating myself via the copious ways and means that are available to me at the moment, which I am indeed quite fortunate to have at my disposal. Thus, I do not allow myself to squander this opportunity to educate myself because I understand that I am able to, through educating myself, utilize my education in a way that is best for all life so as to show that we are able to really change ourselves and that we can and absolutely must stop finding excuses to smother any opportunity to move ourselves beyond this extremely limiting threshold that we have all silently and even outwardly accepted as humanity.