Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this excitement is fueled by an inner-tension and anxiousness due to wanting/desiring to already know/understand the knowledge and information that I am working with because of believing that knowing this knowledge and information with do something ‘to me’ – like, make me MORE, which can only mean that I have completely and appallingly inferiorized myself to the abstraction of knowledge and information as symbols that I have charged with value and thus through this de-valued myself as a living being here in this living reality, in no way assisting and supporting myself to make myself MORE as in practically moving myself to be/become my fullest potential through integrating the knowledge and information that I am working with into a practical living expression that is in all ways expressing what is best for all life, within the understanding that this knowledge and information does not in any way define who I am here as equal and one to all things - but instead am only diminishing myself through following this jaded self-interest within thinking/believing/perceiving that I require to obtain something outside of myself to be worthy of life/living which thus then morphs me into an energy vampire seeking/hunting-for a flow of attention, validation and confirmation that I am special, that I am reaching apparently great heights, that I am becoming that which I desire to be, as a positive reinforcement that I through this accept and allow myself to become fully enslaved to because I am in no way the self-directive principle of my decisions but am in fact a prisoner to my decisions because I have not cared enough within and throughout my life to get a clue as to why it is that I want/desire to be/become these particular professions, why it is that I want/desire to obtain this particular knowledge, why it is that I am so furiously excited about that which I am working with to the point where I become actually strung out - but base these decisions from within my mind solely on crooked consciousness-calculations wherein I’m trying/attempting to place myself in the best possible position to receive the highest energetic reward like a dirty drug fix that I believe I cannot stop because I have tricked myself into believing that if I do in fact stop and change – I will shrivel up and die from the withdrawal.
Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand that when and as I participate in this behavior – both internally and externally – I am in fact already accepting and allowing myself to be/become that which I fear, as I am accepting and allowing myself to become shriveled up and dead while I am still alive, as I am sucking the life right out of me by/through constantly and continuously chasing after energetic experiences while simultaneously running away from myself, from my responsibility to investigate all things – to integrate/learn/absorb knowledge as the self-directive principle within the starting point of what is best for all so as to utilize my life-skills to the benefit of all, not so that I can delusionally experience myself a certain way to satisfied a self-interested imaginative vision of myself in my head where I only care about maintaining and evolving this experience at the consequence of all life; because ironically enough, for all the knowledge that one may be acquiring, for all that one may or might seemingly achieve, to have the starting point based on self-interest in any way makes a person very, very stupid because what one refused to realize is how, to not give one’s skills back to this living planet in a way that shows a measurable benefit to all life, one is ensuring one’s own demise along with everyone else – as not a single shred of knowledge will save us when we have plundered and destroyed this planet beyond repair; not a single trophy or award or pat on the back or letter of recognition will save us when we are drowning in our own filthy mess because we were too concerned with hoarding our own self-proclaimed magnificence to see the consequences piling up, to see that which is staring us right in our face.
Fascinating when we begin to see with real-eyes that all this time we spent running around hoarding our own self-proclaimed magnificence we were simultaneously hoarding our own self-proclaimed inadequacy, as a vicious cycle wherein one cannot exist without the other - as the saying goes: the harder they come, the harder they fall, one and all.
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that all the times I was trapped in a bubble of self-importance, hoarding my own self-proclaimed magnificence I would attempt to glean from my environment – I was denying the truth of myself every single time; I was denying the fact that I always was feeling like shit behind stage, I was always feeling awkward and uncomfortable and insecure and isolated and inadequate, because the more I chased after the want/desire to BE something, the more stressed I became, the more separated I became from that which is real, that which is here, but would disguise this stress as excitement, becoming more erratic and extreme in my behavior as I would frantically convince myself that I was getting ‘somewhere’ and that somewhere couldn’t be further from the truth, yet due to stepping into this character as the ‘excited one’ or the ‘positive one’ or the ‘optimistic one’ I would get validated for my stress in disguise by others, as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and I didn’t want to let go of this validation, I didn’t want to let go of this disguise even though I knew it was fake, so I would keep it up until I eventually saw that I was about to burn out and so I would take this as my cue to pack it up and put this show on the road - I would run away so no one would see me crumble, so that no one could see me fall from so-called grace, so that no one could see what I did when I left to apparently move on to ‘greater places,’ so that no one could see me with my head in my hands cursing myself as a fucked up no good failure…until…the next point of excitement would come around, and there I’d go, I’d do it all over again, self-induced amnesia just like we’ve always done as human beings – we keep conveniently forgetting what we’re here to do, so we keep doing the same atrocious shit over and over as if it will effect change, we keep getting excited that we’re evolving as humans, that we’re making great advancements, that this is the greatest time to be alive – but we have forgotten about those who know nothing of advancements, those who a pining for death to stop the gruesome pain of hunger, to stop the shriveling of their bodies due to dehydration with no access to proper sanitation or water, perhaps we should ask them if they too think this is the greatest time to be alive – we have forgotten that there can be no success, no advancement in a world where so many suffer daily just so we can create an experience of excitement to run away from that which we are hoping and praying we forget we are here to do, which is to stand up and take responsibility for this mess we each created together until we restore this planet’s dignity in every single way, until we remember that there is nothing else that we’re here to do.
To be continued…