So I see that I have created a timeloop for myself
specifically in relation to the daily act of writing a blog. This time I
compromised myself in regards to writing out the point I started about Selection
by Consequence which I
began a few days ago. The day I wrote the first post in the series it was already
quite late, around 11pm when I finally was able to sit down and give myself the
time to write. I didn’t know what I was going to write about so I just picked
what I had read about that day for my Behaviorism class which was Selection by
Consequence because I had starred and highlighted a few points which I found
interesting so figured I could probably write some blog-posts on it.
There was a fleeting moment where I stopped and asked myself if
this was a cool move since I really didn’t understand the material yet, especially in
terms of relating the material to my process in any sort of significant way, and
since I had other exams coming in other classes which I required to study for I
wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time to study the material specifically for my
blogs on top of that – yet, in that moment, I honed in on how tired I was and how
I simply wanted to ‘write something’ so I could post my blog and rest, as I had
to get up early the next day as well – so I suppressed that voice and went on
with my writing and posting and was basically relieved when it was all done and
I could ‘finally rest.’
But I never really rested, actually. I laid horizontally
in my bed for a few hours as the symbolic representation of what ‘resting’
looks like, but it was not a real, physical, substantial resting – because my
mind has been quite awake through it all, as that one moment of not listening
to myself, of not caring about myself to really slow down and consider all the
factors involved in this decision to write on this topic – sent me on quite a
stressful journey as I have been experiencing myself scrambling to keep up with
my responsibilities and each day, moreover each day after Day
295, so the last few days - it’s been a bit overwhelming in my world, as
this topic has been ‘looming’ over me, an entity I created which has been reminding
me that I’m not yet clear and I better get clear and when will I have the time
to sit down and get clear because I’m out of my depth in writing on this topic
of which I have not yet walked, we have not yet discussed the second and third
consequences after natural selection in class and so there are still many holes
in my understanding…and so on. Which is precisely why I started yesterday’s
post on cognitive dissonance, as that experience of being ‘torn’ inside
myself has been quite prominent.
Yet, what I must be clear with for myself is that it is not
actually this point that is the ‘issue’ – this is merely a catalyst that has
provoked the point that requires direction to the surface. I realize there are
deeper things going on here and other stresses and anxieties that I’m experiencing as well in
terms of various life decisions that require to be made of which I have not
been addressing effectively – specifically in realizing that I can’t work
everything out in one moment but that certain points, to do properly, take time
and deliberation to align in the best way possible. Ah ha! Patience rears its
head – that’s definitely a biggie for me – well, more like IMPATIENCE, with
myself, with others, with everything, with the world, more myself though, but
because of this I project it onto everything and everyone else.
Alright, so I’m slowing down here again – breathing,
caring, hearing myself out.
Selection by Consequence series will be going on hiatus,
as I’ve got to work with my own consequences that I have selected, lol. Man, it’s
soooo important to keep it real with myself! I have not been here with and for myself the past few days and it’s definitely taken a toll.
I’ve got a statistics exam tomorrow which is extensive
shit, so I’ve got to get back to studying and supporting myself with some real
rest, not just the horizontal imposter of rest so my mind can regenerate and upgrade itself.
I will continue working with these points tomorrow…
In the meantime, you can check out the series on
Selection by Consequence I started:
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FREE Desteni I Process Lite Course
Good luck on writing yourself out, and even just supporting oneself moment to moment, like studying, eating, walking, reading, all with yourSELF.
ReplyDeleteI have been saying some Self-forgiveness outloud with the following structure. Try it out. After saying some I realized I could self direct and Good and Bad is not required.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the feeling of overwhelmingness as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the feeling of overwhelmingness as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge big decisions as bad and good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge decisions as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge decisions as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Patience as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge patience as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge impatience as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge impatience as bad.
-ciao
Cool Lindsay! Thanks for sharing.
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