For further context in relation to the menial, refer to - Day 27: The ME in Menial Tasks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and throughout my life, reinforce the behavior of hesitation by/through the energetic experience of distraction as entertainment I would access that would, for a moment, allow me to forget about the ‘pressures’ that came along with existing within a survival-based system in where I experienced there were all sorts of demands being placed upon me from my environment and if I didn’t ‘keep up’ I wouldn’t survive - and thus, each time I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the temporary illusion of ‘relief,’ I increase the probability of this behavior repeating, and so it did, and so it has, and so over time this behavior has ‘evolved’ into a habit as a fully-fledged, successfully conditioned process of limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my environment into a sort of entity which is somehow placing demands upon me, as a clever way to deny the fact that I was always the one who was placing these demands upon myself as an eternal feed-back loop wherein, through repetition, I learned to focus on particular aspects of my environment which I shaped and molded in order to continue being reinforced for the behavior of trying and so hesitancy and so ultimately giving up - and so not seeing how myself as well as my environment are equally as one in a relationship reinforcing, shaping and molding and thus agreeing to each other's limitation as there can be no separation between myself and my environment - and this is thus how we keep each other and all things enslaved, when we refuse to understand and realize this relationship.
I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, reinforced myself for trying instead of doing, which I now see allowed me to get a ‘reward’ before completing the task, thus making the task I had set out to complete no longer as much of a challenge to push myself within because I was now satiated with a reward which then decreased the probability of me repeating the behavior of doing the task I set out to do – and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the reward that comes with trying and would use this as an excuse to not push myself any further because ‘at least I tried and got something out of it’ – thus refusing to see how this was always only a trap I had created which ensured my inadequacy as I through this did not learn how to effectively push myself beyond my threshold of comfort and instead learned how to give up when ‘I at least tried’ thus accepting this expression as ‘good enough’ instead of walking a point through to completion no matter what, not accepting ‘good enough’ and only accepting the best of myself in all that I do, not all that I try to do, but all that I in fact, physically and measurably do.
And, to be clear, this point of not accepting ‘good enough’ and only accepting the best of myself is not coming from a starting point of competition or desire to be the best so I can create an experience of being special or superior or better than the rest – but a point of self-integrity and self-respect – wherein I learn to care for myself in not accepting less than who I am able to be within the understanding that I am not able to see what I’m able to be and become unless I push myself through each and every perceived limitation to show myself in a direct manner what is in fact possible as I cannot say otherwise until I have walked the point through, not tried to walk the point through, but actually walked it through – as trying is lying and does not lend to an actual perspective that can be considered as it is in essence already an admission of self-defeat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a single moment of fear in relation to stopping all points of hesitation, as I see and realize clearly that this fear is not actually fear, but is self-interest disguised as fear as a more socially acceptable experience – as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – as the self-interest is not wanting to let go of the desires that I think/believe/perceive I am able to possibly, just maybe one day obtain if I ‘hold out’ and continue to allow myself these fleeting moments of daydreaming entertainment, thus refusing to see the accumulative and compounding effect of each of these moments, as not a single moment is left uncounted as I am accountable for all the moments where I made a decision to, instead of move myself practically in this physical reality, move myself within the hackneyed entertainment of my mind only, as an internal action as behavior of resisting the responsibility that comes with being fully alive as an accountable living being in this reality and thus believing that I can ‘get out of it’ by going into my mind ‘just for a moment' thus increasing the behavior of being idle.
I realize through this I have reinforced maladaptive behavior wherein I have repeatedly validated my actions of self-denial and thus the denial of the state of this world as a whole as ‘okay’ and so through this increased the probably of self-denial repeating and so increasing the probability that I will continue to not directly face what is actually going on in this world which I see clearly cannot cater to my hesitation any longer. And so I see and realize clearly that it is a point of either modifying my behavior to be in alignment to what is best for all life, or I continue this maladaptive behavior until my eventual demise as I denied the facts of life and so the facts of life denied me: a sobering mathematical equation that each of us must face if we are to get real and so really change once and for all.