This post is specifically a continuation from:
For the purpose
of context suggest reading the post above, if you haven’t already, before
proceeding.
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Here I am continuing to gather self-investigative
evidence in relation to these moments of hesitation I have accumulated within
and throughout my life so as to ultimately support myself in the deliberate
process of self-correction in no longer accepting hesitation as an expression
of myself – here also to be clear to not turn hesitation into hastiness as a
sort of knee-jerk reaction of impatience in merely flipping the coin on myself
and so remaining within limitation yet from the ‘other side of the same coin.’
I thus commit myself to transform the tendency towards hesitation
into a breath by breath consideration in where I assist and support myself in slowing
myself down as a self-directive action of focused attention in ensuring that
each move I make is within an awareness of self-responsibility, in realizing that
hesitation indeed manifests consequence, no matter how miniscule the moment of
hesitation may seem.
In this exact situation I am facing in this moment, in
fact, I am seeing the direct play-out of the consequence of hesitation as I am now
faced with a situation of acceptance and allowance of moments of hesitation
within and throughout my day wherein I did not move myself effectively to sit
down and write – and I see a pattern is emerging on days when I have an exam,
today being one of them, wherein a substantial period of the beginning of my
day was dedicated to studying, waking up earlier than usual to give myself more
time to do so, and then taking the exam, and after this I allow moments of
hesitation as a justification for a ‘break’ due to the rigorous studying I’ve
immersed myself in, as a sort of ‘reward’ for ‘all the hard work’ I’ve just
engaged myself in.
And this is not ‘wrong’ in itself, as it’s certainly cool
to give oneself a moment to rest after exerting oneself – however, I indeed ‘lost
track’ of my responsibilities today as I had more appointments and meetings than usual and so shifted into a hastiness as I was well
aware that I would be engaging in several other events today besides taking an
exam that would not allow me sufficient time to write, until late – and so,
instead of utilizing the few moments as 'windows of opportunities' that I had within my day
to begin to move myself in writing, I instead hesitated and occupied myself
with other things as a statement of me ‘deserving a break for a moment’ and ‘I’ll get to
that later’ – and now here I am faced with the accumulated consequence of that ‘later’
and thus am seeing the actual disservice I have inflicted upon my physical body
as I pushed and pulled myself from hesitation to hastiness throughout my day
which has brought me to this moment of physical weariness.
Thus, I am now placing this in writing to hold myself responsible
in sorting out as more layers are emerging as I further take this pattern of hesitation
on, within this also I’m seeing a re-emerging and continued tendency to push
myself to a physical point of ‘burnout’ as an exhaustion that comes along with
the acceptance and allowance of mind-participation instead of self-directed breath by breath action within and throughout my day in being considerate with myself with regards to the various responsibilities that I walk on a daily basis and how to effectively walk each one without compromising myself, especially in regards to my physical body – this I will continue to
investigate, explore and direct to a point of correction in the following posts….
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