This post is specifically a continuation from:
For the purpose
of context suggest reading the post above, if you haven’t already, before
proceeding.
********************************
Within this post I will be specifically looking at, and
firstly beginning to open up through the process of writing, the tendency I
have had within and throughout my life to move from hesitation to hastiness as an energetic reaction to my environment
instead of moving here, moment by moment, breath
by breath, in stability and self-direction, as equal and one to and as my environment.
As I was investigating this point for myself throughout my day today, I see this especially coming through within the context of my studies, particularly in regards to me being at a point where I am honing in on the specific direction I will be taking to align my undergraduate studies with the eventual graduate program I will take on.
There are several potential programs that I’m considering at the moment and so what I was noticing today as I was exploring the various programs, universities, articles, studies and research material within these various fields is that I would find a cool article, open it, hesitate to read it through, and then hastily continue to open up more tabs with more articles, jumping from one program to the next, researching one professor after another, until I had amassed an extensive amount of tabs, yet was obviously no closer to any sense of clarity in terms of what each field consisted of and whether or not it was aligned to what I’d like to eventually specialize in.
Additionally within this there was this energetic sense of excitement where I was more interested in the energetic experience of entertaining ‘potentials’ rather than the practical considerations of walking each program through meticulously to slowly but surely gather the necessary details in making a proper assessment that is based on what is in fact best, taking into consideration all the variables and factors as well as the rigor and dedication (and DEBT) that comes along with these programs, wherein I instead for a moment accepted and allowed ‘excitement’ to override the extensive and challenging commitment I am beginning to walk here – it’s very easy to get ‘excited’ about such things on a surface level without slowing ourselves down to get to realize what it in fact entails to walk a point like this through properly which, as I have seen, is how we eventually and oh so conveniently give up on our commitment when reality smacks us in the face and we see how delusional our fantasies and anticipations really were all along. This exposes how we never actually committed ourselves to reality but only to our fantasies. Although most people never do actually get to see and so come to self-honest terms with this, because before we know it, we’re just chasing after another fantasy – one coping mechanism to the next.
This is precisely what I’m not interested in doing – been there, done that – instead I’m ready to really ground and focus myself and thus put the dedicated time and effort into becoming an expert in whatever field/direction I decide on, as this point that I’m walking goes far beyond what my ‘interests’ or ‘excitement’ may be and instead really becomes a point of what I must do in order to become a solid voice of change in this world, which I realize and see clearly will expand along with me firstly changing myself in developing the expression of who I am as an individual who in all ways – yesterday, today and tomorrow – stands here, stable, as an expert for and as life as what is best for all. Thus this investigative process and research I’m busy doing in making a decision in terms of my educational path I will not accept and allow to be done within hesitation nor haste.
As I was investigating this point for myself throughout my day today, I see this especially coming through within the context of my studies, particularly in regards to me being at a point where I am honing in on the specific direction I will be taking to align my undergraduate studies with the eventual graduate program I will take on.
There are several potential programs that I’m considering at the moment and so what I was noticing today as I was exploring the various programs, universities, articles, studies and research material within these various fields is that I would find a cool article, open it, hesitate to read it through, and then hastily continue to open up more tabs with more articles, jumping from one program to the next, researching one professor after another, until I had amassed an extensive amount of tabs, yet was obviously no closer to any sense of clarity in terms of what each field consisted of and whether or not it was aligned to what I’d like to eventually specialize in.
Additionally within this there was this energetic sense of excitement where I was more interested in the energetic experience of entertaining ‘potentials’ rather than the practical considerations of walking each program through meticulously to slowly but surely gather the necessary details in making a proper assessment that is based on what is in fact best, taking into consideration all the variables and factors as well as the rigor and dedication (and DEBT) that comes along with these programs, wherein I instead for a moment accepted and allowed ‘excitement’ to override the extensive and challenging commitment I am beginning to walk here – it’s very easy to get ‘excited’ about such things on a surface level without slowing ourselves down to get to realize what it in fact entails to walk a point like this through properly which, as I have seen, is how we eventually and oh so conveniently give up on our commitment when reality smacks us in the face and we see how delusional our fantasies and anticipations really were all along. This exposes how we never actually committed ourselves to reality but only to our fantasies. Although most people never do actually get to see and so come to self-honest terms with this, because before we know it, we’re just chasing after another fantasy – one coping mechanism to the next.
This is precisely what I’m not interested in doing – been there, done that – instead I’m ready to really ground and focus myself and thus put the dedicated time and effort into becoming an expert in whatever field/direction I decide on, as this point that I’m walking goes far beyond what my ‘interests’ or ‘excitement’ may be and instead really becomes a point of what I must do in order to become a solid voice of change in this world, which I realize and see clearly will expand along with me firstly changing myself in developing the expression of who I am as an individual who in all ways – yesterday, today and tomorrow – stands here, stable, as an expert for and as life as what is best for all. Thus this investigative process and research I’m busy doing in making a decision in terms of my educational path I will not accept and allow to be done within hesitation nor haste.
Therefore making the events of today pretty cool and
relevant moments showing me this design of hesitation and haste, and thus
within the following post I will begin to walk through the necessary
self-forgiveness to specifically assist and support myself in no longer
approaching this point of researching for my studies in this manner of
hesitation/haste - also bringing in the point of burnout that comes along with this as well, and so to no longer approach my life as a whole in this
manner, but to keep my investigation practical such that I’m able to move
myself within this task in self-honesty and self-responsibly in considering all
things practically. In this is how I commit myself to assist and support myself
in making an informed decision in self-awareness, one which I am able to stand
by/as without going into a potential point of later wanting to ‘change my mind’
because I never first assisted and supported myself to change MYSELF to the
very core, at the very root, which is certainly in alignment to, and further
solidifies my post from - Day
300: Developing Self-Trust and Self-Awareness in the Process of Permanently
Changing Self
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