Within this blog I am my own DIY Psychologist - my own Psychological Experiment. Walk with me as I take the 'Psycho' out of 'Logical' & show how we are able to Practically & Commonsensically Walk ourselves out of our illusory Mind & into Physical Reality - here I share the Process of taking Self-Responsibility for each Thought/Word/Deed & thus through Self-Directive Writing transform each 'Mental Disorder' into a Living Solution that is Best for All Life.
For the purpose of context suggest
reading the posts above, if you haven’t already, before proceeding.
Continuing with the Solution:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fight against myself, splitting myself into a slave-driver and a slave,
forcing change/learning upon myself from the starting point of both fear of
failure as well as desire for success, and thus through this trying/attempting to 'whip myself into shape' from the starting point of an inadequacy which can only come through comparison and competition – this I see is especially relevant within
the context of academics and attending university wherein I see I became
obsessed with studying within a sort of restless anxiousness as I tried to make
sure that I understood EVERYTHING that I possibly could so as to feel as if I
was in control, specifically in control of my final grades as I see I have
placed an extensive significance on this single point, definitely defining
myself in relation to this within the belief/perception that if I do not get
straight A’s then I will not be able to have access to particular opportunities,
and although that may actually be true and is not something to discount within
the understanding of the nature of this system build upon the harsh foundation
of competition – I see that I must be able to maneuver within this in a stable
manner, as that clarifying point of ‘being in this world but not of it’ coupled with the direct seeing that I have taken part in creating this system in all its harshness; and that this is simply to be able to work just as hard, yet do so in a solid, breath by breath manner
- as an actual expression of myself walking my process of change here within
all that I do; understanding what is required of me and walking it here, giving
my all as a lived understanding of self-responsibility.
This particular point revealed itself in an especially
stark manner today as I completed my last 2 final exams of the term and while I
was waiting for my final grades from each class to post I certainly did become
absolutely possessed for a moment. I kept refreshing the page over and over, apprehensively
poised and waiting for the numbers to show - and when they finally did, and I
saw that I got all A’s, I seamlessly shifted the possession from the alternate dimension
of apprehension into the alternate dimension of exhilaration and it was only at
this point that I deemed myself able to ‘take a breath’ – which is unacceptable
to say the least. And as I saw this and began to ‘get a grip’ and directed
myself to ‘come down off this storm-cloud’ I immediately asked myself in a concerned
manner: what if I didn’t get all A’s? Who would I have been? And when I looked at
the point in self-honesty I could say that I would not have been okay with
myself as through this I see how I accepted and allowed the statement: 'don't let all this hard work be for nothing' - to exist within and as me, wherein my starting point was not absolute and unconditional, but contingent on the single letter 'A' which stands as an example of the extreme limitation we will allow when we forget to breathe, when we forget who we are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to completely disregard my physical body, especially for the past few days as I
was studying for exams and most specifically today while I was waiting for my
grades to post wherein I abused my body through my mind, sucking up all sorts
of energetic resources in order to focus all my attention on this ONE point, as
if this was THE defining point of ME in totality, taking myself on a
frightening roller-coaster ride of ups and downs and around and arounds just to
bring myself back HERE, to what has always been here, stable and consistent:
And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and
allowed myself to tie myself up in so many knots that I refused to see how I was
punishing myself as my physical body, punishing the simple act of breathing in
a full manner, but instead completely disregarded my body, my
breath, not even aware in the least as to where or how I was breathing, let
alone IF I was breathing at all: everything was taken for granted – and I
forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard how it wasn’t
until I received feedback from my external world, as the delivery of the stimulus
of my grades on a shining screen ‘sending me a message’ like a sort of ‘permission
slip’: you can breathe now – that I began to even consider my body; and I
forgive myself that it was only then that I allowed myself to really breathe a
giant breath of relief, but within this I see that even that breath was tainted
with fear and desire and I see how it took me many more breaths to actually
bring myself back here to see what I have been doing – as again I got to see
with more clarity this entire whirlwind
I have been swept up in, spinning ‘round and ‘round, not actually caring about
myself no matter what – no matter what grade shines on my screen, I am still
here full and complete as who I am: unshakable.
And this is what I commit myself to be: unshakable.
I commit myself to give myself the room to celebrate the
hard work and dedication that I put into my studies and that I will continue to
put into my studies; yet I furthermore, from here on out, assist and support
myself to make this a real living expression of who I am, wherein I know
without a doubt that I put my all into all that I do because that is what is
required to stand for and as what is best for all, as this is the point that I
walk and I commit myself to walk it 100% as there is no other option.
And so, when and as I see myself fretting or worrying or
becoming anxious about the IDEA of ‘grades’ I slow myself down, breathe and
check within myself where I am not in alignment with reality but have slipped
into delusion which is the only place that one can be in to consider such
things with any sort of seriousness – and so I check and I cross-reference with
myself until I find the point that is causing discord, and I remove it
immediately within and through the act of self-directed breathing as living
self-forgiveness in self-honesty, as a real letting go of that which is clearly
irrelevant when considering the real work that is to be done – and I keep
breathing and letting go and forgiving and clearing up the blockage until it is
so, and I am satisfied to move on to the next point.
Within this, the self-reward is the simple point of
letting go of defining myself in relation to external rewards, which I see only
signifies a lack of self-acceptance – yet within this I am clear that it is not
‘wrong’ to be satisfied with an external reward delivered in alignment to an
already stable understanding of what I have walked for myself and who I am
within what I have done which is not contingent on the external reward.
The self-reward also comes through the understanding of
the innumerable factors and variables that are included in a single point
completed effectively, and that it actually took lots of beings ‘giving their
all’ for me to have this opportunity of even a single breath - and thus, the
reward is to not take this for granted, to not squander my ability to focus
myself on a task and to walk that task through until it is done, because my ability to focus spans waaaay beyond any point of self-interest or selfish desire I may shift into - when placing all relationships that require to be in alignment into perspective, I see clearly it would be arrogant to deem otherwise and thus I reward myself with the gift of awareness in living in alignment, in equality, with all things to move as one single point 'give our all.'
The self-reward is me showing me in a gentle and humble
manner that failure is not an option, as a clear understanding that I am only
as limited as I accept myself to be. That is my decision.
The self-reward is me seeing the lesson that I really learned beyond the lessons that I learned this term.